Lent 2021: Book Reviews

 If there was anything positive about this past year, I believe my reading habits have been forever changed.  During Lent, I limit my reading choices to books that are at least faith-adjacent choices. In previous years, I haven't been able to do more than a devotional and a book or two on top of that. I had five books on my list for this year, and I finished the last one mid-March. If you are looking for some reading material, here are a few suggestions:

Racial Justice and the Catholic Church by Bryan N. Massingale

Rating: 5/5 stars

Review: Massingale provides us with a heartbreaking look at the generational loss the US Catholic Church has suffered because of racism, slavery and the devastating consequences. I had noticed some of the reviews claimed there wasn't a strong conclusion or resolution but I did not share this opinion. While I am uncertain that there is an appropriate way to repair this sort of generational loss, I found a fairly detailed list of action items and a thorough analysis in Massingale's words that I will be referring back to for years to come. I appreciated his style and approach to the subject and I am only sorry I didn't read this book much sooner. 

Birth of a Movement: Black Lives Matter and the Catholic Church: by Olga M. Segura

Rating: 5/5 stars

Review: I had been anticipating Segura's book for a few months. There are some very commonly spread rumors and falsehoods about the Black Lives Matter movement in Catholic circles especially, and I wanted the opportunity to read something that discussed both the Church and BLM. This was fantastic. Perhaps my favorite things about Segura's work was that most of her resources were women of color. It helped me to sit completely in a perspective that was different from my own, helped me to understand  aspects of the movement that I had previously not understood, and gave me so much to sit with and work on for myself. Segura also gives us specific action items that Catholics must change and be a part of in order to repair centuries of damage. I hope that both lay and clergy of the Catholic Church take notice here and read her work. 

Black Catholics on the Road to Sainthood: by Michael R. Heinlein

Rating: 2/5 stars

Review: When I purchased this book, I was looking forward to Gloria Purvis' involvement. I was somewhat let down by the all too brief biographies. While some of the reflections were well done, it seemed obvious to me that the author/editor wasn't entirely comfortable talking about race and racism. It is possible that this book fell flat for me after reading books with a more detailed history of racism and the Church. The Black Catholic Messenger's review of this book shows why the approach Heinlein took isn't all that helpful. While this gave me some great someday saints to research, I was expecting more.

The Church's Best Kept Secret: A Primer on Catholic Social Teaching by Mark P. Shea

Rating: 4/5 stars

Review: Shea does a great job here of wading through the Compendium to give us insight on Catholic Social Teaching (CST). I appreciated the brevity and the questions at the end of a chapter, making it an easy book club or study group choice. It's been nearly a decade now since I first began seeking out books on just this topic, only to find very limited options. I'm glad to have a hard copy of this because I definitely needed my highlighter. 

The Reckless Way of Love: Notes on Following Jesus by Dorothy Day

Rating: 4/5 stars

Review: I have read The Long Loneliness and Saved By Beauty and a few others about my favorite American Catholic, Dorothy Day, and I will read them all I am sure. There is something about the private writings of Day that moves me. She is quick-tempered, a little bit mouthy, and has to really work to get through the work she believes she is called to do. I loved that this was a book easily broken up because so much of my reading time is in the car waiting to pick up the kids, but at the same time there were entries where I wanted to know more context. 

Bonus Read

The History of Black Catholics in the United States by Cyprian Davis

Rating: 5/5 stars

Review: I read Davis' book last year, but I had to add it to this list because it was the book that started my journey in learning about racial justice and the part the Catholic Church has to play in all of it. Davis has a thorough and fair voice and I learned more about Black Catholics and even the history of Catholicism in the United States from him than I have any other author or class. This book can be difficult to find, but it's easily one of the top three most important books to American Catholicism. 

A Return to the Mundane Complaint?

 Our 46th president Joe Biden makes me think of my one and only political conversation with my grandpa.  He died when I was a senior in college, or I'm sure we would have had plenty to say to each other these days. It went something like this:

            Me: What's with the 'Catholics for Kerry' button, old man?

            Him: What, you wouldn't have voted for Kennedy?

These two Catholic men that have served as president leave me conflicted. 

As a Catholic, there is a sense of swelling pride in a shared and sacred Baptism in Christ that I didn't think I was able to feel anymore. Pride in a baptism that leaves an indelible mark on our souls that cannot be taken from us. There is also the distress in the knowledge that both men are flawed Catholics. So am I. The Catholic Church is a place for sinners but it is also a place where our leaders share our sins. 

As a woman, I have the all too familiar feeling of wanting to trust a man, but knowing he may have made other women feel unsafe. Perhaps I have become hyper-aware and hyper-focused on these warning flags, but I cannot dismiss the warnings all the same. 

These conflicts all feel blessedly mundane in this, the year of our Lord, 2021. My insides may resemble a storm at sea, but I am grateful that these conflicts leave me cautious and alert. It reminds me of dark churches at night and my favorite Liturgy of the Hours Tuesday night prayer verse:

                                        Stay sober and alert. -1 Peter 5:8

 

 

Neutral isn't a Thing

A few years ago I made the decision to mostly stop posting about politics and heavy issues on my personal social media accounts. I decided that I simply did not care what my friends and family thought about these things, because their opinions were not what formed mine, and the useless arguments between friends and family that often did not know each other were increasingly difficult to host amid day to day responsibilities. If I had something pro-life or feministy to post, I used the blog or the blog social media accounts. If I am being completely honest though, I also stopped because reading old posts about things like abortion and motherhood make me cringe now. I was trying so hard to fit a mold that I no longer desire to fit.

It was important that I rethink this decision (momentarily, at least) this week because racism is sinful, murder is sinful, and I am a white person that is in the best position to challenge any belief that posits otherwise when it comes to my friends and family. A post written by Jen Hatmaker was like a slap in the face. I am not neutral when it comes to racism and murder. Why am I allowing my silence to speak for me?

I am not suddenly jumping on a cause. I am not a perfect ally. I want to be better. I can't get better if I don't try. As Hatmaker said, "(I) can handle dissent." The right thing is not always easy, but we do it anyway.

It should not take rioting and looting and fire for men and women of color to be heard. This is not a hateful reaction to hate: it is begging for justice to be served. I used to believe that I did not understand rioting and looting. Maybe it is never something I would do. I do not have to condone it to understand the human reaction to fight to be heard. You don't have to like it. You don't have to participate. You have to listen. You cannot be neutral.

This is a pro-life issue. Womb to tomb, human life has dignity.

If you do not know where to begin, Here is a list. Pass it on. Do not rely on your friends and family of color to do the heavy emotional labor here. You can handle it.

Consistency

I was somewhat of an anomaly amongst my coworkers at the domestic violence shelter. I was a practicing Catholic. I was completely new to working with survivors of violence. I was pro-life. 

It was quite common that I would be asked questions about my beliefs or politics, but being pro-life was a hot topic of conversation. 

"What about the death penalty?"

Yep. I'm against that.

"What about working with women that have had abortions?"

My job is to advocate and provide information for women and their children as they build a life after violence. All women.

"What about partnering with the shelter that serves the LGBTQ community?"

No one deserves to be abused or assaulted. 

With every answered question, I'd get a "Wow." and a shake of the head. "So you're, like, really actually pro-life for everyone, huh?"

I think I always assumed that my coworkers just hadn't ever encountered someone that was actually pro-life, because all pro-life people believed that all people were created with inherent human dignity, right? From conception to a natural death, right?

I get it now. I understand the looks. I understand the impromptu meet and greets: "Hey come meet my friend, she is pro-life but not like *that* so you'll love her!" I understand the warnings from my coworkers and supervisors about conferences and get togethers with other agencies. "Maybe don't mention the pro-life thing, especially if you're looking to stay in this field and maybe work on the state level someday."

The last three years in particular, we have all watched as the pro-life movement interpreted their cause narrower and narrower. There are very real reasons pro-life folks are not trusted.

"We can't fix everything."

I actually saw someone call us Catholics to a consistent pro-life ethic and be met by another supposed pro-life Catholic with "oh that consistent pro-life pitfall" as though there is another path Christ has asked us to follow Him down. 

My work as an advocate left me with stories I can never forget. It did not change my belief that all people are created in the image of God and that all are worthy of dignity. I can believe that and let my actions and words reflect that while still being against abortion. It is not mutually exclusive work, friends.

Stop sacrificing the dignity of others because unborn babies are easier to champion than other groups of people that need Christ's example. People are messy. They don't always look like you or make it easy to love them. Do it anyway. 

Sexual Violence is Personal

We all have people in our lives that have experienced rape, sexual harassment or assault. Many of our loved ones have experienced this at the hands of someone they know. These experiences leave imprints. 

Our loved ones are listening. What you do matters. What you say matters. Public figures you support?  It matters. Not all of us have the luxury of being about to "just enjoy the comedy routine" or "just vote policy." Sexual violence is a direct violation of the dignity of a person. It is personal. 

It is personal. 

Saying that you cannot support an actor, CEO, member of the clergy, politician, or anyone in the community because of sexual assault/harassment, or rape allegations isn't emotional. It's personal. It is telling survivors that they matter. Their stories matter, and you are not okay with taking the bad with the good if it means overlooking their assault. 

The very reason these crimes are so personal is the same reason so many believe they are excused from listening: it often cannot be proven. 

"Well, they *are* married." 

"Well, he/she didn't assault *me*."

"I'll wait for proof."

"Let the courts decide whether or not this virtually unprovable thing that happened, when often times even evidence of such a crime doesn't change the fact that our instincts are to blame the victim, actually happened." 

"But he/she does this thing good."

"He/she shouldn't have been there/worn that/done that so he/she had it coming." 

*Insert anecdotal evidence here*

People do both bad and good things. People can do mostly good with flaws, and people can do mostly bad but still manage to do a little good. If we never hold anyone accountable for the bad, then it is easier to do again. When survivors see statements such as those above, reporting or even disclosing assault seems pointless. "Who will believe me?" This echoes the threats made to abused children, and those assaulted by people with money, power, importance. 

If it is easy for you to overlook allegations of assault or rape "for the greater good", I ask you to pause  and think about human dignity, and the fifth commandment. 

The Catechism of the Catholic Church states:

2261 Scripture specifies the prohibition contained in the fifth commandment: "Do not slay the innocent and the righteous." The deliberate murder of an innocent person is gravely contrary to the dignity of the human being, to the golden rule, and to the holiness of the Creator. The law forbidding it is universally valid: it obliges each and everyone, always and everywhere.

Sexual violence violates the fifth commandment. Those in violation should be held accountable, repent, and be rehabilitated. 

It is up to us to treat sexual assault as the violation of human dignity that it truly is. 

Sexual Violence Against Women and the Catholic Response

Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that the Catholic Church has had to seriously up her game when it comes to the subject of sexual assault, in particularly as it relates to the clergy abuse scandals. However, when it comes to sexual assault, a great deal of the training or responses issued center on rape and pregnancy.

The Catholic Church (beyond the Catechism (2356) ) does not really have a standard training for the clergy or faith counseling focused on sexual assault advocacy or healing. In my experience as an advocate, there are Catholic organizations that serve sexual assault survivors, but when it comes to one on one counseling or even educational/training materials there is most certainly something left to be desired.

The Georgia Domestic Violence Fatality Review Findings (2011) tell us that faith communities are a likely support system for victims of violence, yet our support for survivors is seriously lacking. Poor catechisis  and modesty/chastity talks gone wrong are not doing a fantastic job of sexual assault prevention. We cannot leave our girls to believe their level of modesty is responsible for assault, and we cannot leave our boys to believe that they are nothing but a victim of their sinful urges.

I believe that the Catholic Church can put together more cohesive preventative measures and responses when it comes to sexual violence. The USCCB website has a section with parish resources related to combating sexual violence, but many of the links speak mostly about domestic violence. I believe the response must be more than this.

The inherent dignity of all people must be upheld in all aspects of Catholic faith education: from parish communities to counseling. The church has implemented the VIRTUS training program for all parish volunteers in the US as a response to the clergy abuse scandals. I believe that our parishes can work with local domestic and sexual violence programs to also train their staff in advocating for survivors. The pro life response here, is to have complete understanding of the dynamics of all forms of sexual assault, and to be able to support survivors as they heal. After all, will they not call upon their faith community for support?

The FaithTrust Institute approaches domestic and sexual violence from a religious perspective. They have resources for most faith communities, though nothing I have seen that is explicitly Catholic. When I go to the USCCB page and click on the link for resources, nothing comes up. This something that really must improve

Do you know how your parish and diocese approach sexual violence? Sound off in the comments! I would love to hear about successful approaches or working relationships between Catholic organizations and the local anti-violence programs.

Here's to Dorothy, Oscar, and Rebuilding

I used to think that logic was all I would need to remain faithful. When I became a wife and later a parent, I did not worry about the spiritual dry spell that developed because I knew there was not another spiritual home for me. These past few years, I have seen the wounds of our Church history rip open and I have felt it deeply. I mourn for the victims of clerical abuse. I mourn for those harmed by our institution in other ways. There is a comfort within the Mass and a yearning for the Eucharist that I cannot be without, and yet I desperately wanted to leave.

It is my nature to want to fix problems. It is not easy for me to sit without resolution. Learning how to build faith in uncertainty and how to work through the uncomfortable feels like an overwhelming prospect for an impatient perfectionist such as myself. It makes coming to terms with the imperfection of our human church a struggle that feels insurmountable.

I've recently discovered that my faith in God is not the same thing as my faith in our earthly church. This might seem like a no-brainer to some, but for this cradle Catholic, it took some time. Humans let themselves, each other, and their God down. We fail. We fall. We get back up and swear we will never fail or fall again, but then we do.

We are Peter.

My faith in our human ability to live as Christ asks us to live is (permanently?) shaken, but I am trying. It's been suggested that I just look through all the pain and grief towards the resurrection. All I can see is a fog of anger, and not all of it is righteous. I see doubt, darkness, ruin.

I keep trying.

I see Dorothy Day, surrounded by those that people find difficult to love, those that struggle to love, or both. I imagine her words "God understands us when we try to love." I see her commitment to loving others extend to her death.

I try again.

I see Oscar Romero (once I blink away Raul Julia) as I begin to get to know more about his faith, love and life. I spend time wrapping my hardened heart and mind around his words "The church is the salt of the earth. It is to be expected that where there are wounds this salt will burn." I see that his commitment to Christ extended to his sudden death.

I try again.

I read their words, see their flaws, and I feel relief.

I am relieved that I recognize the hardships of faith in their lives and the familiarity of struggle.

I am relieved that they were not perfect.

I am relieved to disagree at times, but there is still so much room to admire their work, words, and example.

Surrounding myself with saints that also recognized the imperfection on earth is healing.

I share this with all of you because it was important for me to know that other Catholics felt similarly. If you too have been shaken and have lost your footing, I see you. I am here with you, and I am trying along side you to rebuild.

"(The Abuser) Was Always Nice to Me!"

My husband loves the TV show Lost. He discovered it in the early days of Netflix when binge watching was new. I hated it. I couldn’t handle not being able to predict what was happening. I even watched the episodes without him so when we watched it together I could pretend I saw it coming.


I always want to see it coming. I wanted to have seen it coming in The Sixth Sense. I want to rely on my experience and knowledge to tell me why my kid suddenly won’t sleep. I want the lady yelling that my grocery cart is rolling away into the road to know I’m a mother of six and I’ve got it. I want to see red flags and warning signs of abuse and call that shit out. If I know, then I am in control.

I’m not alone in this.


When allegations of abuse come to the surface, an abuser confessed or is convicted, people close to the abuser say “(Blah blah blah) pillar of the community! Goes to church on Sundays! Paid my rent when I needed it! Selfless! *Always was nice to me!*"


What we fail to remember is that the world of an abuser is carefully orchestrated. There’s the grooming of victims, but that doesn’t matter if the environment isn’t controlled. Your vic sees you palling around with every person they’d go to for help and they absolutely believe the “you tell anyone and they won’t believe you” routine. Abusers rely on their good deeds to help them remain unpunished. There might be different ways of maintaining the illusion, but just because someone was nice to you, makes great music, or has a way with words on Sundays, it doesn’t mean abuse allegations aren’t credible.


The victims of abuse are not the only victims. We continue to cover for abusers when we look for ways to blame victims for their own assault or sexual abuse or manipulation. It is almost as though we believe that, if we can shift the blame to those that were wrecked by abuse, then we can walk away unscathed. But we don't.

Unknown Wounds

Over the last few months, it is almost as though the air has changed. Once upon a time, I worked with victims of sexual and domestic violence. I also provided community trainings to other helping agencies. I’ve never felt the urgency or the desire to speak up for victims of sexual harassment, assault, and rape the way I do now. It’s difficult. It’s messy. It changes your relationships with the people in your life. It can take a toll on your faith in God, the Church, and in people. 

Over the holidays, we visited family. I was cleaning up a dinner mess one night when part of a discussion in the next room caught my attention. Someone made a comment about recent allegations in the entertainment industry and someone else concurred. I tried to stay out of it. I was going to be the lone dissenter. The only one willing to side with the victims. I knew it would not be a fruitful conversation. I managed to busy myself for a few minutes longer, but then I heard a tween speak up in agreement. I couldn’t stay silent. The urgency was overwhelming.

Those adults defending the reputations of men they’d never met wanted proof. They wanted evidence of intimacy crimes that often doesn’t exist. They wanted to be able to rely on the magic of rape kits (which didn’t always exist) to bring justice for all. It was easy enough to concede that maybe in some cases sexual assault or rape was a criminal offense, but the blame lays with the victims for not reporting. (Assuming those in authority cared.) As I tried to explain there are (perhaps seemingly trivial) behaviors that lead to us normalizing sexual violence (cat calling, harassment, etc.) the debate exploded. 

I gave examples of how I have normalized harassing behavior by glossing over it in my own life.  I told them how one of the first nights I was getting to know my now spouse I was faced with the decision to trust that he, a man I barely knew through a trusted friend, was more safe than the man following me around the party so he could repeatedly grab my ass. This wasn’t a good example I was told, because men get their asses grabbed also. 

I was asked for examples of harassment that are wrong but not necessarily illegal. Once again, my own experience came to mind quickly. 

I told my loved ones about the Thanksgiving night when I was home from college, catching up with one of my two male best friends. I was telling him happily about the guy I had just started seeing, and how I could not wait to get back to see him again. My closest and dearest friend, someone I had never once felt unsafe with and often ran to in times of crisis, took this as an opportunity to climb on top of me. No matter how hard I struggled, no matter how many times his lips met my “No.” “Stop.” he pressed on. 

My loved ones’ response? “Did you report it?” I could only ask “Report what?" I wasn’t raped. He didn’t need to take off my jeans or my sweater to fondle me. “Report it to who?” There is no evidence. Who would care?

“You should have told his mother.”

In this moment, I remembered why I would remind my clients to be sure the person they chose to disclose trauma to was a safe person. In this moment, I realized the last few months had unknowingly opened a wound I did not know was there. As I walked away, I heard the child say again, “Those women should have spoken up sooner.”

I sat in the downstairs room alone. I wondered if I had mentioned his mother did not speak English, would it matter? If I had told them I begged my dad to take me back to school early, would they see the hurt? If I had told them that I had called our other best friend once I was back at school to confide in him and that he told me he was sure it did not happen the way I had described it, would that help them to see my point? If I marched back up the stairs and explained how the worst twenty minutes of my life up to that point meant I lost both of my best friends, would they understand?

I stayed downstairs. One by one, my young children came down. One by one, I tucked them in, vowing to be the safe person in their lives. 

Speaking up hurts, but it is important work.

Rape Culture

Several years back, there was a comedian that landed in hot water for getting into an argument with a female audience member at one of his stand up gigs. I remember a line from one of his routines where he describes his humor as pushing the limits until there is only one person left laughing, so it came as no shock to me that one of his retorts to this audience member involved rape.

A friend and I debated extensively on the subject. She was rightfully horrified by his comments and I wasn't so much defending him (I did like his TV show at the time) as I was defending morbid comedy. My general position was that my weird, gallows humor would leave me laughing at things that were wildly inappropriate. Things like death. Dead baby jokes. So is it a stretch to say rape humor should be off limits?

Hear me out. I cannot think of a single time I've ever laughed at a rape joke. I can think of times when I was working in sexual and domestic violence advocacy where coworkers and I found humor in our jobs. Humor that would probably be inappropriate outside of our group. I was defending gallows humor.

A few weeks ago, I came across this graphic from 11th Principle: Consent!:

Had I seen this graphic during the debate with my friend, I would have had no choice but to concede.

Incidentally, this graphic feels very timely to current events.

There are many communities that are reeling from various levels of sexual abuse scandals. We're seeing it in politics, entertainment, faith communities... this is nothing new. These scandals are not new. This type of thing has always happened, but what changes is how we approach victims.

As of late, it feels as though victims, survivors, and their supporting advocates are getting louder. These people have nothing to gain aside from sexual predators being held accountable for their actions.

I see disturbing things happening when these stories come to light, particularly in Catholic circles. I want to talk about this, because it is why I started this project. My growing list of concerns include:

1. Concern that is focused on protecting a man's reputation above victims and future victim's rights.

2. The need to blame the victim or their environment.

3. The focus on modesty and chaste living or even being married as protection from sexual abuse or exploitation.

4. A lack of accountability for the accused and minimization of their actions.


Sexual assault and sexual abuse and even rape are not necessarily interchangeable terms. Sexual predators come in different forms with different patterns, different goals, different prey because sexual abuse or exploitation or assault is not about sex. It is about power. Sexual predators know how to find their prey and how to erase their tracks. They have long known how to be the wolf in sheep's clothing. They know how to isolate, manipulate, and control the narrative using a variety of methods. Here's the domestic violence power and control wheel. While it may have been created to identify the various ways an abusive intimate partner works to control their victim, it gives plenty of examples in how a sexual predator coerces victims into "consensual" relationships and into sex.

Not all predators work the long con. If you want more information on typology, click here. Not all sexual predators act illegally. Predatory behavior does not have to be ignored just because there was no illegal action. If we truly want to see sexual crimes decrease, we must demand accountability. Refer back to the rape culture graphic. The things at the base of the pyramid do a nice job of supporting the behaviors that become increasingly heinous because it allows us to minimize and normalize behavior. 

It's easy to just blame something like porn and move on. It is easy to insist that the sexual revolution did this. It is easy to tell our young girls to be modest and chaste and insist that corrects the problem, but the denim jumper with a knitted sweater in a well-lit library during business hours can be assaulted just as easily as the tight micro mini with a tube top at the bar. Clothes do not matter. Different sexual predators prey on women from different backgrounds and with different or no baggage. "Proper religious formation and instruction" cannot protect. We are all sinners and being a sinner is not what makes one an easy target. 

This sounds hopeless, and I get why so many feel the need to place blame on what is easier to change (such as a victim's behavior or age, or the community) rather than blame those responsible. It is more difficult to change a sexual predator's behavior because they are able to hide behind our hopelessness. They can issue half-assed apologies, or disappear and reemerge in a new community and find new ways to cover their tracks. But we can stop this by calling out their behavior. By believing their victims. By placing the blame squarely where it belongs: with those that did the hurting.

Rape culture is real. If we truly want to fight against rape, molestation, and violence, we must look at that pyramid graphic and stop allowing any of it, illegal or not.

The next time you feel compelled to comment on a breaking sexual abuse/assault/violence story, think about what you post. Do you want to support the victim? Say "I believe you." Do you want to hold the perpetrator accountable? Say "I am not okay with this and he/she/they needs to be held accountable."

If you need a list of things not to say, message me. I'd be happy to fill your inbox with examples.

Sexual Assault is in the News Again

Every time that there is a scandal involving sexual assault front and center, we are told to wait. Wait for more information. Wait for the evidence Law & Order and CSI has promised us. Wait for a judge or jury to tell us how to proceed.

Wait to ruin this man's reputation until we know it needs ruined.

There is rarely concern for those that come forward. There are many questions: Was there a rape kit? Why is she crying? Why is she not crying? Why was she there? Is it worth going into that line of work? Shouldn't she have thought that through? What is she gaining from this?

There is rarely concern or a desire to help those with stories of the most intimate of crimes to heal.

Instead, we wonder aloud and in comboxes how long a man must repent before we believe him. We wonder how this will devastate his career. We accept the standard apology and use the sliver of good and the false pillar of the community reputation to defend our continued support. We latch on to any good thing we've ever heard about the accused because we don't want to know.

We tell young girls that the boys pull their hair and hurt them because they like them.

We tell young girls to be pretty but do not explain.

We say that boys will be boys and caution our daughters about locker room behavior. We teach them to ignore cat calls and to smile. We tell them, if they are polite enough, it will all be okay.

We ignore that predators are very skilled at knowing their environment. We ignore that they know how to make grandiose gestures that make them seem an unlikely predator. We ignore that we laugh off their fondness for young girls or their tendency to get too handsy. We tell women about their patterns and then say "Don't say we didn't warn you."

We do not hold sexual criminals accountable.

As friends, family, and advocates for victims and survivors of sexual assault (both make and female alike) it is not our job to determine the legal 'guilty' or 'not guilty' verdict. It is our duty to listen and believe. It is our duty to be supportive and to help survivors heal. It is our duty to tell predators that we know and they must change and be held accountable.

Why do victims not report? Why do they wait years before coming forward?

They are told no one believe them and then they see no one believing others. They see the high esteem in which their attackers are held. They are ashamed. They need to heal.

Why doesn't every survivor get the needed evidence by submitting to a rape kit?

Because they are costly and victims are still sometimes responsible for that cost.

Because they don't always get tested.

Because they are not always available.

Because they do not know where to go.

Because in the immediate aftermath of being violated so intimately by a person you likely trusted, they only thing that makes sense is to wash it away to make it go away and rape kits can feel like the opposite of that.

Because pressing charges puts your career and other things you hold dear at risk.

Because sometimes DNA evidence doesn't matter.



As friends, family, and advocates standing against these crimes, we need to support the survivors in any way we can and demand the correct treatment for the accused. We need to expect personal accountably and blame where it belongs: with the predator. We need to expect a sincere apology that includes taking responsibility, a focus on the wrong that was done, appropriate punishment and treatment.

A Tale of Two Shirts

One lavender top that worked well with my maxi skirt but not so well with a particular pair of jeans that I spent the entire first night of my dream job adjusting and regretting, and I was The Girl With Modesty Problems for the rest of the summer.

Let me back up. I was 19. I was working for a summer catechetical program that I still adore. I was Shut the Front Door level excited to have been chosen not only for a camp team, but then to write the modesty talk. This was me:

So young. Such annoying camera cheese.

Then the first night of our first parish assignment, I changed out of my Sunday best skirt to wear jeans for our first high school night, but I grabbed the wrong pair of jeans so there was a bit of skin when I sat. I was really self-conscious about it and could not focus on my teammate's talk for the night. I even sat in the back row. Which is how the older, former teacher saw it and instructed my team leader to talk to me. A week later, my camp boss let me know he was considering switching me over to the Marian talk.

I spent the next three weeks perfecting my "Thoughts, Words, Actions" modesty talk and figured out I was terrible at a capsule wardrobe. #thingsyoudonotknowatnineteen

I wanted my talk to be different, because things like this were happening in parishes:

Teens were burned out on the clothing talks. They showed up to swim parties and hang out nights covered from fingertip to toes to joke with us. I get it. I've been over it and frustrated with the dress code modesty rules each and every one of the dozens of times I have heard it as a teen and as an adult. 

Telling women to cover and hide parts of their body does not protect men or women. It sets the ground work for assault and victim blaming. 

Look. I'm not here to demand women have the right to walk around nude. I'm not vein-popping shouting that men should look away. I'm suggesting clothing is not the problem, and if we continue to play like it is, we are hurting our sons and daughters. 

I'd love a cultural shift that turns the fashion industry into something that works for women. Women come in all shapes and sizes. I would love to see silhouettes and lines in clothing reflect that in a more diverse way. That's not really where we go with the modesty debate though, is it? Instead, we filter people into the Always Nude Naysayers, and the Flowy Floor-Length Turtleneckers. We decide to focus on clothes, and ask women to take on the pressure of modesty while our men get it together. Then, we ask what sexual assault victims were wearing when a crime is committed against them. 

During the second half of my summer teaching, I was in a better rhythm. I went shopping over the break with my teammate  new-found BFF and found a shirt combo I loved. It was orange! It was long enough to cover my torso! It was in that ridiculous style that I had envied all through high school where you wear a white tank underneath to avoid cleavage! I felt pretty! All things good, right?

We wear our favorite shirt on our birthday.

Then came the week of the high school boys camp. My BFF and I had a modesty debate with a priest. It was heated but probably the most fascinating conversation I had been a part of to date. I was learning. I was experiencing new things. I was enjoying the heck out of my summer, and didn't want it to end. I was on my way to the chapel one night when my team leader again approached me and asked me to change my shirt. He said one of the high schoolers had asked him to ask me to change. My team leader (seminarian) could not have felt more awkward asking, and I was mortified. It was the worst moment of my life to date. I changed and remembered my team leader's words "At least he was listening to the talks?"

I am no less mortified by the moment all these years later, though for different reasons. I wish I had been better at dressing my body. I wish one of my male coworkers had stood up for me. I wish that I'd had a better understanding of modesty and the concept of being brothers and sisters in Christ. I wish that my Catholic education had better addressed the concept of femininity so that I didn't feel so lost. 

I'd always been a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal. I didn't know how to wear the tops and outfits that my peers wore. I didn't know how to dress my body type: I was tall, long-legged, with a long torso and large-chested. (Hence the t-shirt and jeans uniform. ) I was beginning to figure all that out in college. As a grown woman, I see the ways the modesty message I received was flawed. I see the ways I can resolve those issues for my kids. I don't want them to be so stuck on hemlines and custody of the eyes that they don't learn character or the inherent beauty of men and women. 

I was reprimanded twice that summer for wearing inappropriate shirts: One that showed the slightest bit on my back and one that supposedly was meant to draw attention to my chest. Nothing was said about the concert shirt I wore repeatedly. The band has a multitude of songs that are misogynistic, including one called "Date Rape." Looking through the photos, that is the one I regret the most.

I don't want to be *that* woman. The woman that jumps to the most extreme example every time. I don't read the word "modesty" and counter with "RAPE!" I believe it is a good thing to raise our children to care about others. I think it is a good thing to teach our children how to dress their body types, and to dress appropriately for whatever activity is on the agenda. It is good and healthy to help them find things that allow for movement and comfort. I just don't want them to think that a piece of clothing means my daughter is partially to blame for a crime committed against her or that my son would somehow be absolved from said crime because of what she was (or wasn't) wearing. This line of thinking works in more "trivial" situations also: magazines on the rack, sporting events, dances, the mere act of being at school. Women experience various act of harassment often from the very moment puberty hits. It does not matter how modest the clothing. The lack of respect does not come from immodest dress: the push for modesty is meant to address the lack or respect, and it is lacking.

Uninformed Ally Says What?

Sexual assault isn't exactly a great dinner party discussion. There is rarely a place on the Internet where strangers or acquaintances are able to learn or talk about it.

For several years, abuse and assault was my job. The conversation never ended, never dulled. I would wake up, go to work, then listen to survivors, plan support groups on it, have staff meetings on it, go to seminars and conferences to learn more about how to support survivors. Even the way I went grocery shopping was changed because of my work with survivors.

I'd wager there never is a great time to talk about the subject. Sexual assault is an ugly truth. It's something we don't want to know about. We don't want the experience, and we don't want to be reminded that it is reality.

Sexual assault and consent is messy. Complicated sometimes. It makes us confront our societal failures. Generalizations are easy. It is easier to tell ourselves that people are too sensitive, too careless, too irrational than it is to try to change the perpetrator's behavior or even our own beliefs.

I don't believe we want to hurt others. I don't believe we've all turned into combox trolls. So, this is me, trying to change the world. For those of you that have experienced sexual assault? I see you. I know you are there. The rest of us? We need to do our best to make sure that our words prove we are a reliable ally.

If you want to support sexual assault survivors, don't say these five things.



Because no one talks about their experience or because it hasn't happened to me, it isn't a pervasive issue. 


via GIPHY


There are men and women in your life that have experienced assault. That isn't an educated guess, or a projection. Even if you have not, others have.

I was sexually assaulted and I am just fine, so those that are not fine aren't trying hard enough.


via GIPHY

Every person in this world comes with their own unique set of baggage and coping skills. We all need different things to heal from trauma. If yours was a smooth ride, that is fantastic. Not everyone will have that same experience.

A spouse cannot rape their spouse.


via GIPHY

A marriage vow is not blanket consent for sex.

Men can't be raped. 


via GIPHY

Yes. They can. Rape is not simply vaginal intercourse.

If you don't want to be raped, don't do____.



via GIPHY

No one deserves rape. No one deserves to be sexually assaulted. No one. We continually focus on the victims of rape because explaining away the circumstances gives us a false sense of control. If we don't do ___ and we tell others not to do ___ then, rape will not happen. But it will, because we are busy reacting instead of preventing.

High Profile Man is a Sexual Predator but We Can't Talk about It.

Yep. Check out this important companion photo. 

We're going to talk about sexual assault claims today.

Here's our scenario:

Bob is at work/bar/dark alley/in Buffy's home. Buffy is there too. They are working late/having a drink/passing through/chatting. By the time the night is over, Buffy has been sexual assaulted. She consented to spending time with Bob given the normal parameters of their work/bar/dark alley/home liaison. She did not consent to sexual contact.

It's the next day. Bob says Buffy was into it. She wanted to have sexual contact. Buffy says it's unwanted, and therefore a criminal act.

We can find scenarios like this all around us: in the news, or within our communities. It happens often. There is a disturbing phrase I hear quite often when Bob is not a stranger but instead a high-profile man:

"I don't have enough evidence to believe High Profile Man did those things."

I'd like to ask: what evidence would convince you?

What if two women said High Profile Man did these things? Three? Four? A dozen?

Is only a conviction good enough?

What if he admitted to being there, he had a substantial amount of power over her (physically, career-wise, etc.) and she said that he assaulted her. Is that enough?

What if there is no DNA? What if she cannot bring herself to face him again? What if she fears her life is not able to stand up to the intense scrutiny a sexual assault victim often endures? What if she is barely holding it together? What if he buys his way out of it?

When are we, the public at large, allowed to use sexual assault claims against High Profile Man when discerning his character? When are we allowed to let him know that his actions are despicable and we want none of it?

When will we tell High Profile Men that women are not there merely for their sexual domination?

DVAM GSP Round-Up

Sorry, grammar friends. I have no idea how "round-up" or "round up" should be written out. Fail.

I only had 28 posts for The Guiding Star Project to sort through, but the majority of them were focused on sexual assault. While that is certainly relevant to intimate partner violence, I will plan on another sexual assault post with links to all of those in April.


Taking the "Crisis" Out of a Crisis Pregnancy- This posts asks the pro-life movement to focus on the situations that drive women to believe abortion is the only way out.


Intimate Partner Violence- An introduction to IPV dynamics.


Pregnancy and Domestic Violence- A post that discusses the role pregnancy can play as an abuse tactic.


As I review these posts, they all seem to serve as an introduction to IPV. They might be particularly useful to use as awareness posts. Ahem.

October DVAM Round Up

To kick off Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I thought I would round up some previous posts on the subject. Over the years there have been many posts about domestic violence, also known as Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), so it is time that I try to collect most of them into one place. I have included a short description of each post, but if you have an unanswered question, please do not hesitate to ask in the comments or message me! If you would like to participate in DVAM, share these posts on social media. Give others the opportunity to think about IPV this month. 

The links below are all to other posts on this blog. I plan to gather up posts that I have written for The Guiding Star Project as well, but those will be in a different post on a different day. 

A Note for Friends and Family of Domestic and Sexual Violence Survivors- This post is just an introduction to what you can do to help if a loved one is experiencing IPV or sexual violence. 

Our Search for the Perfect Victim- A reminder that hurt people, imperfect people, and people we don't like are also victims of violence.

To Be Pro Life and Against Violence Towards Women- This was an early post of mine that explored the connection between being pro life and against violence towards women, or the lack thereof in practice.

Daring Greatly and IPV- Brene´ Brown's book, Daring Greatly, covered an issue she calls "scarcity." I find the concept important to understanding IPV survivors.

The Bible, Marriage, and IPV- This post explores IPV and sacramental marriage. 

We Can Be a Voice. Just my standard plea for fellow Catholics to have a thorough understanding of both their faith and IPV/sexual assault. 

The giant, four part series on IPV and sacramental marriage that ultimately took so much out of me that I have barely written a post since:

• Part I: What You Need to Know About Intimate Partner Violence
• Part II: The Complexity of the Sacrament of Marriage and IPV
• Part III: Should I Stay or Should I Go?
• Part IV: The Lives of the Saints and Healing

Marital Rape- A post that highlights the awful fact that marital rape can be present in IPV situations.

Supporting Loved Ones Dealing with Trauma- This post offers a reminder to remember your own self care and to discern your level of involvement or ability to help loved ones that are neck deep in trauma such as IPV. 

Supporting Loved Ones Dealing with Trauma

the simplicity of FB friend lists...

There was a moment about three months into my time as a domestic and sexual violence advocate where it was no longer a job.

Up until that time, I found it curious that I was good at the work and felt such a passion for it. My coworkers were amazing. They all had a personal connection to someone that had experienced Intimate Partner Violence (IPV), sexual assault, or Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA), and had an instinct for the work that benefited the women seeking our assistance.

That night in group, we were working through a popular workbook, discussing families of origin. As I skimmed the questions, one leapt off the paper. I recognized it. Someone very close to me had also used the workbook, and I had come across their answer a long time ago. I also had a personal connection to several individuals that had experienced violence and trauma in their most intimate relationships.

(I know that is a very vague description of what was an important moment in my advocacy life, but I do not want to use this post as a way to tell someone else's story for them.)

I borrowed my employer's copy of the book, and read it cover to cover in a day. I saw my work in a different way. I encountered people in a new way. I was thoroughly overwhelmed with the responsibility my new awareness carried.

I was trained to help strangers. It was tough work to listen to personal accounts of trauma every day, but I was able to disconnect most days, and leave work at work. Realizing the struggles of people I loved and not being able to compartmentalize it as work was difficult. When I listened and helped clients at work, there was a clear role: I was their advocate, not their friend or relative. My duty was to provide them information, help them sort out their needs and sift through the services that might help. I helped them define the support they already had access to, and what they still were seeking. It is not as easy to be an advocate for people you know personally. You are their friend, sister, daughter or loved one first, not an advocate.

I remember feeling very confused about a few of my personal relationships specifically. I now had knowledge that had opened my eyes to their struggles, but I didn't know how it impacted the relationships, for better or worse. I turned to my coworkers for help.

I was reminded that I was not my loved one's advocate or therapist. I was their friend, or family member. The choices they make impact my life, whereas the choices my clients made often did not. The connections were different, even if I did come to care a great deal for the women and their families.

It has been a few years since I have been paid to be an advocate. From time to time, readers reach out with their stories, or others find me and I am able to help. Often, I am contacted by the friends and family of survivors and victims. It is difficult to watch someone you love go through this sort of trauma. It is overwhelming and scary to know that, as much as you want to scoop them out of a violent relationship or dangerous situation, you can only be there to listen and offer support.

A gentle reminder to those supporting victims of violence: it is okay to set boundaries. We are not meant to be friend, family, counselor, and advocate all in one. It may be difficult to have that conversation, but your relationship will be healthier (and you will better be equipped to support them) if you set boundaries and remind them that there are people that can provide the help that will be better suited to their situation.

Feel free to contact me for information or help finding local numbers for assistance. Peruse the blog archives for more sites to check out. Take care of yourselves!

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month

Total honesty here: I have read exactly zero of the stories my people have posted on this bathroom slap fest that we have going on in 'Murica.

That isn't because I don't care. I have cared about my own personal safety in public restrooms since 1996 when Sidney Prescott overheard the mean girls talking about her and had the longest delayed reaction in the history of ever in her high school bathroom. The message was clear: People wearing Halloween masks were clearly waiting in every stall to gut me like a fish. Stay. Away.

Oh, Sid. Why did you think you needed to get down on your hands and knees in a gross bathroom? You hear your name whispered when you are alone, you run.

Laugh all you want. Dismiss me if you want. I don't like using public restrooms. Freshman year basketball left me terrified of open locker rooms, and I do believe my lack of gym membership can be traced to those damned open room showers.

As an adult, I laugh about my habits. I mean, sweaty, stinky body parts? No one cares that I am naked. I don't care if someone else is naked.

But I have never been assaulted in a bathroom or a locker room.

The biggest issue I have with the sudden religious liberty or freedom or conservative something or other call to arms I am witnessing, is simple:

No one wants to acknowledge the plight of sexual assault victims until it is convenient to their cause.

And that really makes me angry.

It is interesting that we can use scary bathroom scenarios for entertainment purposes for decades (Scream, Halloween, Psycho for starters) or jovial "boys being boys" locker room fun (The single scene I recall from Porkies is a hole cut through a wall in a girl's locker room. So funny. Much fun. Good times.

Our fears about rape and assault as they are coming to light with this latest frenzy have always been there. They have always been real enough to exploit for entertainment value. They have always been real to victims.

There are real concerns circulating. I hope it leads to us taking them seriously eventually, but right now we seem to be doing what we do best: scream at each other about how the other side is trying to ruin us, stomp our feet, and exploit what we can.

The only thing that matters to most of us in a public area that involves undressing? Doing our thing and getting out. There have always been bad people planning to exploit this.

So why does it feel like we only care now that it involves transgendered folks?

I don't want anyone to feel as though they cannot perform basic human tasks like using the restroom or changing out of gym clothes without being assaulted.

Why did we ever think group showers or group restrooms were a logical thing?

If this issue has opened your eyes to assault, good. Use it. Fight for survivors. All survivors. Scroll back through the blog posts here or on the Facebook page and repost your favorite one on sexual assault or consent, or, or, or. Don't limit your scope to bathroom assaults.

At the GSP

I'm over on The Guiding Star project blog, talking about consent. 

"We are living in a time where the boundaries begin to blur more and more when it comes to sex, so it is important for us to have a full understanding of what consent means, and that force may not always be overt physical force."

For more, visit the link: http://theguidingstarproject.com/the-importance-of-consent/

Marital Rape

I'd like to take a moment to introduce the topic of this particular post: sexual assault within romantic relationships, but most importantly, marital rape. As a Catholic woman that has spent time as a domestic and sexual violence advocate, I've heard the reasons folks give to say that marital rape isn't real. I don't agree with those reasons, nor does the Church. After the four part series on intimate partner violence and sacramental marriage, I felt it was important to specifically address the way abuse can directly harm the sexual relationship of two spouses. 

When we hear accounts of rape or sexual assault, there seems to be an "acceptable" narrative that comes to mind: a victim fighting off their unknown assailant. This is a black and white scenario. It is easy to place blame on the attacker. It is easy to have empathy for a victim that fights. That narrative begins to get fuzzy when details come out: the victim was coming from a bar, the victim was dressed "immodestly", the victim knew the attacker.

The facts about rape and sexual assault are that they vary. Rapists can be well-known to their victims. The victim was leaving a late night study session. Or asleep in bed. The truth is, the only black and white detail about sexual assault or rape, is that the victim did not deserve to be assaulted or forced into sexual contact against their will. That fact never changes, no matter how well-liked or understood the victim, no matter how beloved or despised the attacker. However, we allow ourselves to get buried in the details so that we do not have to believe what is true. 

Marital Rape

The Catholic Church teaches us about the sanctity of marriage. The bond between husband and wife is unique. The sexual relationship is not a dirty thing, or something to be hidden away: married people have sex and that produces babies and many a fun time in healthy, equally yoked relationships. But what about unhealthy relationships? Chances are, sex is used as a weapon.

An understanding of intimate partner violence (if you need a refresher, head back to the main screen and check out the previous four posts) tells us that an abusive spouse may use sex to manipulate their victim. This can be done in a number of ways: incorrectly interpreting scripture to assert male privilege, as a negotiation (you can have sex with me or I will punish you/the children), or in many other equally gruesome ways. The implication may not always be that overt, but you cannot fully give sexual consent if you are being in any way coerced. 

I feel strongly that the Catholic Church as well as scripture (Go read all of Ephesians 5 with a critical eye) backs the condemnation of marital rape. 

Getting married and saying your vows is not a blanket consent for sex at the demands of your spouse,  'til death do you part. 

I Was Raped By My Spouse. Now What?

Just as in any situation that involves abuse, it is important that a survivor reviews the safety of their situation:

• Are you or your children in immediate danger?
• If so, do you have somewhere to go or someone to call?
• Are you physically injured?
• Do you feel comfortable going to a hospital to be examined and receive a rape kit?
• Do you need to contact law enforcement?

It is not always easy to answer those questions. If you did not consent to sexual activity, you could be experiencing a range of emotions. The attack doesn't have to be violent for you to experience trauma. You may not feel you are in immediate danger or that it would happen again anytime soon. It is important that you know it is never okay for a spouse to make you feel coerced into sexual activity, or to make you feel as though you somehow owe them sex. 

A few things to consider:

• If you do not feel comfortable with an exam/rape kit, you can consider contacting a gynecologist or a physician you trust to examine you to rule out any physical injuries. (Keep in mind that, depending on the state, there may be laws that compel medical professionals to report rape. For specific information in your area, this link may help, or you can contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline.)
• Law enforcement involvement is an option. This resource from the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAINN) thoroughly explains the different things that can happen when involving law enforcement.
• It is important that both you and your spouse (separately and together) get help. Sexual assault comes with trauma and trauma needs to heal. Be careful when choosing counselors. Finding one that has experience with sexual assault survivors would be beneficial, and the spouse that committed the assault should find a counselor experienced in the rehabilitation of sexual offenders. 
• Remember that not everyone in positions of authority is as familiar with the dynamics of abuse in relationships as is necessary. If you choose to disclose assault to someone you trust and the advice they give doesn't quite feel right, ask someone else. It is common to turn to religious leaders for guidance, and while I look forward to the day our Church leaders are well-prepared to provide thorough assistance in these matters, that is not always the case.