Part I: What You Need to Know About Intimate Partner Violence

Why I Am Writing This

As I finally sit down to write this post (or four), I feel as though a million thoughts will start pouring onto the screen at once. I want to talk about intimate partner violence (IPV, domestic violence, violence inside of marriage, abuse) and the Church's response. This is an expansive topic, and one that I have done my best to cover in tiny pieces over the years, but there is so much more to say and so many more questions to ask.

A few caveats before I begin. I have resources to use as I write. I will use them, link to them, and cite them for you. I will do my absolute best to be clear about what various Church documents say on the matter. I will also do my best to be clear about when I am interpreting and using my own thoughts.

In the nearly ten years I have spent studying these issues, I have often encountered people that want to know how a person is "qualified" to speak from a place of authority about the dynamics of violent relationships. This skepticism knows no bounds. My former supervisor had spent her entire career in the advocacy field and was not taken seriously in professional settings. You can be Lundy Bancroft himself and people will still challenge what you know about abuse, despite decades of experience.

I have also never once entered into a conversation about violence against women without someone piping up to make certain that I know women are abusive towards men also. In no way do I deny that this is true. My goal here is to speak to the way our culture (patriarchy, unequal rights for women, laws naming women as property and that allow men to beat their wives, and even misinterpretations of scripture and Church teaching that submit women are inferior to men) allows for violence against women to be a pervasive issue, and has done so for centuries. If you think I am being sexist or unfair or narrow-minded for not addressing men's rights here as well, then this is not the place for you.

So, here is what I know. I have been trained as a domestic and sexual violence advocate. I spent several years working with women that had experienced IPV or sexual assault. I've been Catholic all my life. I attended a catholic college and have a degree in a religious studies field. I have a strong interest in Catholic Social Teaching, and over the last several years I have read all that I can about the Church, women, social justice, feminism, etc. The Church's response to domestic and sexual violence is important to me. Advocating for women and their children is important to me, and it is a topic I frequently write about both here and as a guest writer elsewhere.

It is my experience that people often do not understand what is different about abusive relationships. People also often misunderstand Catholic (Christian) teaching. Put these things together and it is a ball of misinterpretation and confusion. Recently, I have been speaking about these things with a woman that is experiencing abuse in her marriage. In my conversations with her, I realized that so much of this is just never really covered in the Life Manual. So, let's talk about it.


What You Need to Know About Intimate Partner Violence

In a typical romantic relationship, there is mutual love and respect. There are good and bad times, suffering and happiness. It takes two committed people. When we are talking about marriage in the Catholic faith, you commit to living out your vocation together, until death do you part. Marriage is not one size fits all: it looks different for all couples. The Catechism of the Catholic Church  (CCC) summarizes:

1660 The marriage covenant, by which a man and a woman form with each other an intimate communion of life and love, has been founded and endowed with its own special laws by the Creator. By its very nature it is ordered to the good of the couple, as well as to the generation and education of children. Christ the Lord raised marriage between the baptized to the dignity of a sacrament.

1661 The sacrament of Matrimony signifies the union of Christ and the Church. It gives spouses the grace to love each other with the love with which Christ has loved his Church; the grace of the sacrament thus perfects the human love of the spouses, strengthens their indissoluble unity, and sanctifies them on the way to eternal life.

1662 Marriage is based on the consent of the contracting parties, that is, on their will to give themselves, each to the other, mutually and definitively, in order to live a covenant of faithful and fruitful love.

An abusive relationship is about power and control of another person. There is not mutual respect in an abusive relationship. In Why Does He Do That? , Lundy Bancroft (I would link to his site but it seems to have been hacked right now. He has spent many years developing batterer's intervention programs, working with abusers, and advocating for children that come from abusive homes.) says:

Abuse and respect are diametric opposites: You do not respect someone whom you abuse, and you do not abuse someone whom you respect.

The best visual aid I can give you for this conversation comes to us from the Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) and it is called the Power and Control Wheel. The folks in Duluth are pioneers in the violence against women movement.

If you went out on a first date with a man and he told you that you were worthless and then proceeded to slap you across the face, I'd be willing to wager all of my money that you would not be going out with him again. Abusers are manipulative. They know how set up a relationship to their advantage.  They know how to be a pillar of the community and someone everyone outside of the relationship can trust. They know how to make their partner appear to be crazy. A combination of abusive tactics are used to coerce their partner into the relationship, and then into enduring the abuse. The tactics an abuser may use to keep control over their partner include but are not limited to physical violence, sexual manipulation, emotional/verbal harassment, financial control, isolation, manipulation of access to children, and various forms of minimizing, denying, and blaming their victim for the abuse.

It is not a typical relationship. A spouse does not have the right to manipulate and cause harm to their partner. That is not love.

I'd like to leave you with a link to a post that I wrote in September 2014. I am not much of a biblical scholar, so the resources I have used to guide the next post in this series are Church documents rather than scripture. In this post, I looked up some common bible verses related to marriage and addressed IPV as it relates to the bible. (I am also happy to report that I now have a very comfortable chair, and I am glad that I no longer have to grumble about things in the uncomfortable chair.)

Why I Remain Catholic

I may have delayed writing this post too long. It isn't that I do not know why: I do. I did not want to write a post that someone else has written. This means I have read exactly one of the Why I Am Catholic posts, and I promise you mine will be nothing like Calah's. It would be easy to tell you that I am Catholic because Jesus or Eucharist or community but I am not satisfied with those answers, so why would you be?

Sometimes I really have no idea why I do the things that I do. My thought process is robotic at times. I consider a decision quickly and concisely, then act. My overwhelming nagging guilt sense is what tells me a choice is incorrect. Leaving the Church would be too intense. Too overwhelming. Why?

Even when I have struggled to find my relationship with God, the Catholic faith has provided me with a strong moral compass. I spent nine years in Catholic schools only to return for another four in college. I have spent most of my life studying the Catholic faith. Every time I have ever questioned the logic, I have been able to prove the Church was consistent.

Catholicism has saved me in literally every difficult time in my life: my grandmother's cancer scares, life as an adolescent, the death of my grandfather, my parent's divorce, marriage difficulties, parenthood. My life is steeped in the traditions of the Church. In dark times, there is a small, quiet, and certain voice that says, "Wait."

So I do.

My favs. 

A Bible Quote and an Almost Saint

I am a cradle Catholic, and completely feed into the stereotype: I'm not really handy with the bible. I'm not good with verses and reading when there are numbers thrown in after every sentence. I want to read the bible more, but thankfully the Catholic Church has many ways for me to learn about my faith. This caveat noted, if my research is accurate, this verse is where the "be in this world but not of it" mantra originated.

I like the verse in this (NABRE) translation. It clarifies some things for me. We do not belong to this world. It is wonderful to be reminded that this is not the end of the road. However, sometimes it seems that folks feel they must make the world hate them to follow Christ.

The venerable Archbishop Fulton Sheen has some relatable words*:

Sure. The Church has no friends in the media. We are misrepresented on a daily basis. But... BUT...

Often times we are the ones misrepresenting Christ and His teachings. We put an emphasis on truth telling and tough love, but babies born to couples that are not married have trouble getting baptized. People that are divorced are shunned in their parish. People seeking desperately to be close to Christ through the Eucharist are asked not to attend Mass because they identify as homosexual. People that feel so unloved and so uncomfortable in their own skin that they want to be a different gender all together are compared to whores in the blogosphere. So I ask, if this is tough love, where is the love?

I get it. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is tell the truth, even when it is hard. There is no love in rejecting a person while you are engaged in your truth telling. You can reject the sin, but how are you embracing the sinner?

I have known some incredible Catholics in my lifetime. Give you the clothes off their backs type of people. I have known many priests that are good and holy men. So nothing makes me crazier than Catholics making all Catholics look like cruel jerks.

Know the truth. Learn why the Church teaches what she teaches. Soak up information. Then take a class on interpersonal relationships and learn how to love people. One is not more important than the other.

And for the love of all that is good and holy and true: stop using intentionally sexist and derogatory terms to describe someone when you do not like their actions.





*I keep running into a few versions of this quote. Not sure which is correct, but if you know where it comes from, message me and I will figure it out!

When a Child Harms a Child

*This post contains information relating to childhood sexual assault. If this will be a triggering subject for you I apologize up front and want to give you a heads up so you can just skip the post. 

No one wants to talk about childhood sexual abuse. It is an ugly reality through and through. We flip through articles and blog posts on the matter, reading to silently agree or disagree, to feel a sense of community in trauma if it has effected our lives or the life of someone we love, to figure out how we can bank the information in case we ever need it. No one wants to need the information. No one wants to have a child that is harmed in this way. It is heartbreaking to see your child devastated in such an intimate way by another person. It is particularly brutal if the one harming your child is also a child. What if the child doing the harm is your son or daughter also? Parents have an instinct to protect their own children, but which child do you protect?

Suddenly, child abuse has an active role in your family's life and it is up to you as the parent to know how to find help for your child, how to help your child find healing, and how to best handle the situation. Where do you turn for help?

As parents, we must nurture an open line of communication with our children. Talking about sex with our children is awkward. Talking about puberty is awkward. Talking about strangers or loved ones as potential threats is also awkward. We must open that door over and over, no matter how uncomfortable or how far back our children's eyes roll, because if the time comes that they really need to tell us that they have been hurt they must know we are there to go through it with them.

For clarity's sake, we will first talk about what child sexual assault looks like, how we go about helping our children, and what our church can do to help families through this sort of trauma.

What does child sexual abuse look like? Here are some examples: (taken from RAIIN. This link also has a concise list of the warning signs/behaviors to be aware of in case your child doesn't come to you initially for help.)

-Fondling 

-Obscene electronic communication (text, email, calls, etc.)

-Exhibitionism

-Intercourse

-Forced masturbation

-Any kind of sexual contact (oral, anal, vaginal)

-Forcing the viewing of pornography

-Sex trafficking

-Any other sexual conduct that is harmful to a child's mental, emotional, or physical welfare

So, what do we do if our child tells us that they have been fondled or molested or assaulted?


1. Believe them.
2. Listen to their timeline of events.
3. Don't wait. Get help immediately. (Anonymous National Child Abuse Hotline: 800.4.A.CHILD)

When you are dealing with a situation where a child is harming another child, it is important for ALL children involved to get the appropriate help. Reporting sexual abuse can be key in ensuring that the offending child can receive vital intervention services as early as possible. If you are facing a scenario where your child has harmed another one of your children, you are caring for all of your children equally when you seek help for all the children involved. It is a difficult thing to face, but it is important that we acknowledge the harm done and do our best to keep it from happening again. In order to do this, we must:

-Get help for the children that were harmed
-Get help for the children that were doing the harming


How can the Catholic Church be of assistance?

As I have noted in a previous post, studies show that religious people tend to turn to their church for help in these situations. It is imperative that the Catholic Church has the abilities to guide her laity to the best practices for addressing childhood sexual abuse. Our church has taken great strides towards ensuring the clergy abuse scandals are a thing of the past and in learning how to appropriately deal with childhood sexual abuse. Perhaps most importantly, our Church and those in positions of authority (laity and clergy alike) must know that childhood sexual abuse is not about what the victim did or didn't do. It is not merely a matter of sinning, temptation, and forgiveness. It is a serious trauma that must be addresses directly and with the help of professionals that specialize in counseling for victims or perpetrators. The best way to heal all of those involved, is to get professional help for all of the individuals involved.

A "Broken" Feminine Genius

About a week and a half ago, Pope Francis spoke on the subject of the differences (and the sameness) of men and women. You can read about it here, but it made me get something in my eye.

You see, for a very long time, I have been thinking about the term "Feminine Genius" and how I see it in me. It came to a head when I read Momnipotent. The struggle for me centers on this totally made up but not really made up conversation.

Friend: Yeah! Feminine Genius rocks! Women are awesome.

Another Friend: What is 'feminine genius'?

Friend: It encompasses all the things women are great at: their natural abilities.

Another Friend: Cool. Like what?

Friend: Oh, you know. Like child birth, breast feeding, NURTURING.

Then I pull my hair out. Four c-sections right here, and while I can probably squirt a bowling pin down from across the room with my incredible milk supply, I stink at nurturing. To hear ad nauseam that women are good and womanly things like NURTURING, and emotions, and feelings, and NURTURING is really sort of depressing (wait. That's a feeling, right?) when you just aren't nurturing.

Before I get a com box filled with fake no, that's not trues, it is. My child comes to me hurting, screaming, and crying and my first instinct is not to kiss and make it better: it is to address the snapping issue in my brain and try like hell not to cringe and back away saying "Dude, why are you coming at me I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING PLEASE LEAVE."

So, Pope Francis using fresh terms was a relief. This in particular:

We have not yet understood in depth what things the feminine genius can give us, that woman can give to society and also to us. Perhaps to see things with different eyes that complements the thoughts of men. It is a path that must be crossed with more creativity and more boldness.

THANK YOU FOR NOT SAYING THE WORD 'NURTURE'.

I identify in many ways with the new face of the new feminism movement. I speak out against domestic and sexual violence. I speak out against abortion. Just as the whole pro life thing sort of disqualifies me as a mainstream feminist, I sort of feel discounted within new feminism because my body was not naturally equipped to push out four large children, I don't enjoy breast feeding in the least, and there is no way a single person that knows me would choose the word "nurturing" as one of the three words that best describes me. What is a girl that is caught in between to do?

No way. I love my washer and dryer.

Just as there is not one type of man, women are different. We all have different strengths, different weaknesses, different fashion senses. I am comfortable in my own skin. I have things that I need to work on (it probably wouldn't kill me to be more emotive, empathetic, sensitive...) but I don't need to change in order to show how my feminine genius is not broken. I'm a woman. Boom. Creativity and boldness- you heard the pope. 

Now, Go back up to the top of the post and read the two links. 

 

 

 

 

Believe Them.

An article appeared on my Facebook feed this morning. The Pink Haired Papist and I are discussing it over on my page. 

This is what it would look like if my disembodied head sat creepily close to Tori as she had a drink.

All joking aside, this article really breaks my heart. 

I don't really want to delve into statistics right now. Sexual assault numbers are notoriously inaccurate given the number of women that never report. So, even if "2% of rape reports are fake" is inaccurate, I'd go you one better and say of course it is inaccurate. You cannot account for something that is under-reported, because to what degree is it under-reported? And really. Can you blame victims? (No pun intended.) If you come forward with sexual assault allegations, everything you have ever worn, done or said is called into question. In my case, I lost both of my closest friends for speaking up. Imagine if I had reported it. 

When I was assaulted by my best friend in college, I felt like scum. I had willingly gone to his parent's home at night, thinking that we would just be catching up. I quickly realized that was not the case. 

When I got back to my dad's, I just wanted to go back to school. A few weeks later, I called a mutual friend and told him what had happened. He said "You know he didn't mean anything by it." If one of my best friends can make unwanted sexual advances and choose not to stop despite me saying "No." and I tell my other closest and trusted friend that I was assaulted and he doesn't believe me, why would a police officer?

The message we send women over and over again is this: If you were assaulted, report it. Then be prepared to prove that you are the perfect victim so that we will believe you.

The article that launched this post speaks mostly to campus* assaults which are most likely** the most commonly unreported sexual assault. Why? Alcohol. How many college (and high school) age women wake up the morning after, realize they have had sex without the ability to consent, and blame only themselves? Doesn't it make sense to be addressing this issue with both men and women that are college age?

This same article also brings up The Rolling Stone debacle. The author goes out of his way to ensure his readers that it all was a lie and that NOW believes it anyway. Why is the only mention of victims about lies? I have a book filled with things to say about this. If an assault is reported, it is the job of the police officers and the justice system to prosecute the person responsible. It is our job as advocates against sexual assault, not to discredit the victim, but to believe her/him and support healing and rehabilitation for all involved. Why do we get so wrapped up in discrediting the victim first? Why can't we just acknowledge that there was some sort of trauma involved and strive to help those involved repair the damage so that it stops happening?

Ask yourself: How much does it help us to assume an accuser is lying or partially to blame for a sexual assault? When we assume a victim is lying until an assault can be proven, we ensure that future victims will not come forward. 

I get it. No one wants to see lives ruined over false accusations. This is why prevention and advocacy is so imperative! It is important that we address this issue with our children. It is important that both men and women stand together to end sexual assaults. It is important that we support healing for victims and rehabilitation for perpetrators. 

*If you want to call them that- not all sexual assault happening to college students by college students are happening on campus, but I digress. 

**If you have statistics to disprove this, feel free to fill me in.

The Bible, Marriage, and IPV

I am absolutely not a biblical scholar. I am quite relieved that Catholicism is not a sola scriptura kind of gal for many reasons, but I understand and recognize the importance of sacred readings. Please keep this in mind as I write and dissect in this post!

One of my biggest pet peeves as a domestic and sexual violence advocate and as a Christian, is hearing folk profess loud and proud: "God hates (fill in the blank)!" To think that real, live, human people truly believe that the best way to spread the message of Christ and to evangelize/minister to their brothers and sisters in Christ is to start out by professing that our God (who is LOVE) "hates" something, is devastating. Not just to those hearing this message, but for all.

This subject had me so worked up, that I sat in my uncomfortable chair grumbling for a few days this past week. "No way the bible says hate." I told myself. So I looked it up on my handy dandy bible verse cheat sheet, and I see this:

So I pull out my NABRE study bible, flipped to the Old Testament, and prepared to see some sort of translation notes related to the original text to English. While I did not, I came to a greater understanding of the text. Here is the full text:

An interesting note in my study bible reads, "2:14 Companion...covenanted wife: the Hebrew word haberet signifies an equal, a partner. This woman, in contrast to the daughter of a foreign god, shares with her husband the same covenant with the Lord."

What I take away from this, is that Christian marriage is a partnership where both parties are equally responsible. A woman is equal to her man. I find myself less focused on the text "I hate divorce" and more focused on the message that marriage is a covenant and partnership. 

This quest lead me to want to give a more thorough review of other 'marriage' mentions in the bible. Cathsorority came through and linked me to a page that lists the options for readings during a Catholic wedding. What I found are some common themes that I want to share with you. (All New Testament excerpts.)

This first example relates to the "two become one" aspect of marriage, and comes from an instance where the Pharisees are trying to trick Christ into saying something blasphemous. It shows marriage as something to be taken seriously.  

Ephesians 5 is the reading that I was most familiar with before marriage, and it might be my least favorite if I am being totally honest with you. There is an extraordinarily large emphasis placed on the first portion of this reading in many traditional faiths: "Wives be subordinate!" with little commentary mentioning the reciprocating verse that asks husbands to love their wives "as Christ loved the Church." 

The problem with taking portions of this verse (and any verse) out of context, is that you lose important information and instruction. This is less a call for wifely subordination and dominating husbands, and more a call for mutual devotion. 

Even in times and cultures where women are not valued as equals partners in marriage or in society, this is a call for equality and sacrificial love. 

Do you see where this is going? The constant message in the bible as it relates to marriage, is love one another. The emphasis is continually placed on what God loves, not what God hates. So, let us apply this to intimate partner violence (IPV). (Note: The following lists are by no means comprehensive; more like a rough overview.)

According to these passages and the Catholic faith, marriage is:

-A sacrament. 

-A commitment/covenant/promise.

-Entered into by a man and a woman as equal, consenting partners. 

-Love.

A relationship involving Intimate Partner Violence (IPV):

-Is consumed with power and control. 

-Gives one partner dominance over the other.

-Warps love.

-Is harmful and devastating to all involved. 

If we combine a sacramental marriage with the consequences of IPV, the relationship lacks some crucial ingredients. When we focus on the aftermath (divorce, separation, etc.) and not on the wrong doing or the warped interpretation of marriage, we are harming survivors. 

Recently, The FaithTrust Institute posted this article, which discusses the fact that religion is a reason that victims stay in abusive relationships. 

It can be very difficult for a devout person of faith to leave an abusive relationship. If you entered into a marriage honestly and with the understanding marriage is "death 'til you part," leaving feels like giving up. If you feel this doubt and it is encouraged by a faith community (both lay persons and pastors) that preach "God hates divorce!" without exception and without a deeper understanding of the context/complexities of marriage or IPV, you feel that there is no way out. You feel conflicted and guilty for not being able to hold up your end of the marriage, when in reality, the marriage was built unequal. The message appears to be "Divorce or Stay."

As Christians, we must have a deeper understanding of marriage as well as IPV. Marriage is not built on the standard cultural view of submission. Marriage was not created to hold one partner (and children) captive. Marriage is love, not abuse. Our faith community must not help abusers to hold their victims hostage.