I am a few days behind in the Blessed Is She Lenten Journal. I've been in this routine where I just retire to my bedroom after the kids are in bad and it is so nice, that I have been forgetting to do things. Like, write, journal, laundry, dishes... Instead I watch bad movies with the husband and fall asleep. The sleep of a mother that is enjoying (mostly) sleeping through the night with a three month old babe.
The last time I put pen to paper was in adoration on Tuesday morning. I came across the above passage and it hit me like a freight train. I thought, "This is me."
I know the rules. I know what is asked of me as a Catholic woman. Most of the time, it is not hard to follow these commandments. It is old habit. With every season of my life, there are some commandments that are more difficult than others, and I seem to find new ways to struggle.
Most days, I feel completely unworthy of all that I have. There are days where I do not have sleep deprivation or a busy schedule to blame for my impatience with young children. There are days when the touching, talking, and general formation required of a woman with young children is just too much. I yearn for the days when I could go home after class or work and melt into a puddle and listen to angsty punk rock.
I can complain and whine to as many people that will listen. Moms that know what this part of life is like. People that secretly want to tell me it was a bad idea to grow a family of six where the average age in the home is twelve. People that can offer me a myriad of excuses and to tell me to go easy on myself and take a break.
Maybe what I need though, is the discipline the passage above demands of me.
I need to take deep breaths and count to ten like I tell the children to do. I need to go to bed and get adequate sleep like I tell the children to do. I need to pray and work on knowing Who I am pray to like I tell the children to do. I need to pay attention to what was asked of me and not my brothers and sisters, like I tell my children to do. I need to show respect to others like I tell my children to do.
Lent is a tough season. Sacrifice is hard. Maybe Lent is also about discipline though, and maybe that is what makes it so difficult.
So, I am working on disciplining myself to be the example for all the things I am requiring of my children. Sounds familiar.