|Can I not escape him?!|
Faith is hard. I had an entire class that did nothing but focus on Aquinas but faith still feels like hope. Prayer, sometimes like wishing. As in, "Boy howdy, I hope I have faith. I hope God is there. I hope my faith is real. I wish I could confirm that this is all real." I remember the Catho buzz in college about Mother Teresa and her spiritual drought, and the folks that still call her a fraud. It is heart wrenching to see someone that devoted their life to serving others as best as they could during times that they felt abandoned and probably most needed to see or feel or touch proof that it was all for a greater purpose, be called a fraud. Dismissed for not meeting someone else's arbitrary definition of "good" or "service."
Last night I was struggling with these thoughts while reading about Church social doctrine. I came across this line:
75. Faith and reason represent the two cognitive paths of the Church's social doctrine: Revelation and human nature.
I feel as though I am always being asked to choose.
I don't mean that I see faith and reason as at odds with one another, just that I can't seem to have both at the same time. My faith brought me to the point in my life where I began to study Catholicism closer and grow in my understanding: it brought me reason. My spiritual life is a construction zone. I am counting on reason to get me through.
For now, I will go with what I have, and try not to focus on the doubt. I am reminded of the sign on the wall at Druber's Donuts: