If I have learned anything
since high school it is that friendships do not always stay the same, and they
are molded not by length of time but by milestones. I remember going back over
Thanksgiving break my freshmen year of college and having a gush fest with my 3
best friends about how we were so lucky to have met in high school because we
met our closest friends so early in life and things would always be that way.
Most of those friendships did not survive the first year of college. I can’t
speak for them, but I was meeting new people with similar interests that lived
down the hall or had several classes with me. I also spent my first two summers
traveling instead of hanging out at home. I met new best friends. The same
thing happened when I transferred schools. It happened again when I married my
husband, and when I had children. Some friendships faded, some rekindled, and
others blossomed.
I can look back and pin point
exactly when my attitude towards friendships changed. I had arranged a
surprise visit for a friend’s birthday my junior year of college. Her birthday
was a Friday and it was a 4 hour drive to her home from my school, so I did not
make it until close to midnight. She was falling asleep and tired and I was
disappointed because I missed her so much. The next day I found out she stayed
up almost all night talking with a few other people and I was crushed. I was a
bit immature I will admit, but I missed her a great deal and had been struggling
making friends at a new school. I went back to school convinced we would not be
talking to each other again. I began making a greater effort to meet new people
and to hang out with acquaintances. I was also dating my future husband at the
time. One night in the computer lab, he asked about my friend, and I said I had
not talked to her in almost a month, and I told him what had happened. He
laughed at me. I went home and thought about whether or not I needed her in my
life and if her friendship was worth the effort. (By the way, I completely know
how this story sounds. I sound immature and petty and it was a stupid thing to
be so angry about.) The next day I called her to apologize. I told her that I
missed her and did not want to give up our friendship when we were both in such
exciting places in life: school, dating really great guys and figuring out who
we were. She is still one of my closest friends and I begrudgingly have
my husband to thank for rescuing that friendship.
As life changes, friends come
and go. The good ones stick with you through thick and thin. You miss some friendships
that crumble. I lost many single friends both male and female when I married my
husband. My friends changed again when I had my first child.
By nature, I am not a
friendly person. I am more introverted and tend to only talk to people when I
am forced to do so for work or other reasons. I like to be home. Now that I am
a mom and live at least a half a country away from all my friends, my friendships
are again being tested. I am thankful for the many social media outlets
available that help me stay in touch, because my kids and phone calls are the worst
combination ever in most cases. A typical conversation with a friend who does
not have kids looks something like this:
Me: We were out the other day and I was thinking about (Hey
sweetie, please don’t climb on that you could get hurt.) I was thinking about…
Friend: What was that? Something about climbing?
Me: Oh the boy was climbing on the desk and I was trying to make
sure he didn’t (SCREAM! Hey kiddo, it’s ok! I know you stepped on the book)
Anyway, what was I saying?
Friend: Something about a book? I can’t hear you…
Me: Hey, I need to change the girl’s diaper so I will just shoot
you an email later.
Pretty frustrating. My
husband and I get compliments all the time about how well behaved our children
are in public, so I have given up trying to keep the volume down at home. We
have yelling competitions, we sing at lunch and things are just too loud for
anything other than necessary phone calls unless I call while the kids are
eating and I skip a meal. There are different rules with my friends that also
have children though. It is as though there is an unspoken Parent Code that
tells you to just skip over the kid talk. Here is a typical conversation with
my friends with kids:
Me: I am sorry things are so crazy for you right now. I can
definitely (Hey buddy, can you put that down?) I’m going to put you on speak
phone while I change him. I can definitely understand why she was upset. I will
try to reach out to her…
Friend: (Can you bring that over here? You don’t need to be
doing that.)
Me: Did I tell you what happened last week?
Friend: Yeah, how did that turn out? (Yes, I need a footlong
meatball sub with cheese…)
Quiet…Quiet…Quiet…
Friend: Ok, so how did it turn out? (Here is your sandwich,
hon.)
Me: Well, it worked itself out….
I have close friends that are
single and close friends that are married with babies. We find different ways
to make it work. Sometimes months pass between our conversations, but when the
relationship is important to both people it is as though no time has passed. Late night and early morning calls happen.
Texting (as much as I despise it) allows for a little human contact. Email
conversations build the relationship, and Facebook allows you to see their
lives unfold at near stalker level and makes you miss them even more. We send birthday cards, small gifts, little notes. The best
thing is that the friends you would walk through fire for, are the ones that find
a way to make the friendship as high a priority as is possible.
To all my friends: Thank you
for the effort. I miss you and I look forward to the next time I can be
reminded that I am not just a mom and a wife!
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